Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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