I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
