I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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