So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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