i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
