matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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