i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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