Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
