Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
