I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
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Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
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I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.