Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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