You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
honey bunches of taint.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.