My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake