fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.