I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!