Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
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My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
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I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?