I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
