I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
