Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
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Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
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Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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