omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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