turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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