Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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