and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
