just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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