this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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