The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
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And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
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"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.