I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Boobs speak an international language.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.