That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
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I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
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It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.