So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
