my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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