***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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