You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
