have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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