why didn't you poke me back
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
