honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
