If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
