He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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