my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
