I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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