the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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