just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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