literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I need to align my fucking chakras
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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