God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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