Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
