Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
