3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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