Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
