Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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