so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
