I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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