I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
