I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
