Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I looked at my own cervix.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
