she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
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I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize