He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
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I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
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When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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