he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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