as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
